TRICK or TREAT?

having narcolepsy isnt scarey.. being misdiagnosed for years and years at dozens of doctors disdain; no youre not/MEDSEEKER. now im not/TO FUKALL. no no no and no its not sadness not anger and doctor muffles muddles mad shut up yo its depression so Take 2, theyre small. and if i coulda i woulda i shoulda..

listen as my thoughts crossing the fine line;
a fine line between insane and sanity;
a fine line separating all’ Men from the boys

or even chicks like me.

am i soon? too late ………. ?

hiyaaaa honey im
on… Happy Pills:

the new crave to cut. a literal lust to cut off my skin.
no, no.. its my hair.. . its always my hair because
i cannot stand to be so close to myself
and further.. i dont like pain.

insane sanity is what i knew now and know when
it is the wanting- the want to learn how to unlearn
the violence the fear.. . all i want, really, is to live.. .

i want to live in my own skin.

having narcolepsy isnt scarey. its the hallucinations- suffocating by the covet shadow breath- burdening atop and over you just like static on a muted tv; sucked up into the darkness; buried, burrowed, paralyzed by fear inside your bed. inside your head and youre unable to scream unable to move unable to breathe; unable to die; unable to dream. eventually unable to live- live life to some farseen potential

i cant think straight after years of tired.. .i really am tired. and it is truly depressing.
what did you think a Human response might be?

waHey! lets chat over coffee- how is your hallucination.. ..
does suffocation go over well in Your sleep. did you get shock treatments for it?
do you think about witches of salem and feel your flesh burn- not of fire but of fury

STRIKE A POSE

i encourage to never ever tell a stranger or a shrink
youre hiding from the voices.. . When you are Not psychotic;

one time i sortof mightof
but i dont remember.

somewhere in the meanwhile a doctor commenced something shocking
setting simple electric jolts to my brain until i seized. ive read the mean
and i mean i was really pissed off when i realised what happened. but it was
not straight away. because i forgot. its “common” with ECT. shock treatments.
ElectroConvulsive Therapy. i say its Barbaric. and im puzzled still– somewhere
in the law one needs to be of sound mind- and sign informed consent. i dont recall
any consent; i begged no in the meantime. things got really really bad. Bad. not me,
things. im just lost. and there is more to this than i think i oughta share.

a good lawyer might like to know.
its wishful thinking. i know. i tried once.

i am cluttered like a kitchen table
i have piles of paper and well..
so what if i can write- a talent?
i havent been productive and
i still cry before i leave my house
if i even leave at all.

i never wanted life like “this”. my life is- wasnt- hasnt Ever
been the same. and it couldnt have happened to everyone.
it did happen to me. a timeless life gone forever. vanished.
like bad magic.

a doctors trick or treat?

big world is round and everybody laughs when they forget
their own phone number and i laugh because its not funny
and because i lose my phone while im talking on it. laugh.

i loved me once

and now its regardless

even as i cant stand what ive become

when i was thirty the nightmares came back but i was already woked up.. i couldnt move when
i opened my eyes.. i couldnt think i couldnt feel. i think my eyes were open and i couldnt take it
anymore. maybe its true (that im crazy) because it wasnt long before i was insane.

i mumbled to work on a monday afternoon in a fog in a fear in a day i wont ever forget.
no one remembered me That particular day. no one remembered my presence: my madness,
my voice, my vision, my panic, i was blind.. someone must have said i wasnt there someone
must have denied my very own inSistance.. and i know i was there because

when i left it was alone; i did not need their help;
i left work on a monday; i left feeling strange; helpless

i knew i was going to die.

see, when youre tired and sleepwalking -so to speak-
it feels like youre having a stroke. ive never had a stroke
but i remember that day. and it felt like my life was dying and
my life changed the rest of my days.

“There is nothing wrong with you”, said the doc. i asked if IT could be stress
and was told it very well might be..because stress can play nasty tricks, you know, and, he agreed.

and i can still feel the humiliation.
the peril of me.

no,
i wont forget that day– even as i cant see it
i cant find the memory. but i can feel it under my skin

wait!
i can almost see me from the corner of my shame
i am my ghost or am i haunted by memory loss

i am un-natural.
 i am un-done
and i am
 understating.

when i was ten, i fell asleep in my dinnerplate. i fell alseep on the stairway too but
my mother thinks im wrong. and i slept in my closet. sometimes i could see someone
breathing on me.. and i cried for years but after my parents rejection, i never dared tell
a soul. in my teens i wandered endlessly staring aimlessly while others grew angry..

“I Stare”, they said. i got beat up and spat on. i gained a hundred pounds of fat.
tormented not teased there is nothing wrong with you; i must have been dreaming. </em

man, i was Told.

and there were other lives of men who dared and i was told not to tell.
there are so many factors of my world unknown. my synapsis overload
and went broken. “i wasnt thinking,” said they.

when i was twenty i walked out or passed out in the middle of a conversation. i was unaware
of those around me. after a time my friends remarked, “oh, thats nothing” and were not
offended not affected and i had not a clue.. a space-head. and i was cocky; its who i am
said they. it got me in trouble. trouble left scars.

there arent any scars you can see except this one,
here, on my face.. . if you get close enough to see
it hurts.

on a monday i left, troubled, afraid but no one would say i was there..
not even the lady who offered to drive me to doctor. i was just thirty-four;

my mind went lost in a hospital next. cold veins i was so cold TGHTG TGH TG TGH
carted like the Dead and walls were my life flashing before me, pale, endless; an empty canvas carted
through hollow hallways into and out of elevators then lined up along a wall– with others– like cattle
waiting for slaughter.

i begged for it to stop NO.. .
no more i think i said no..

i struggled from the needle she weaved into my hand then wrist
and i did not want this at all. the blankets were cozy; lazy like Sunday,
she couldnt find my veins.. . i was cold and left full of holes.

the surgical lights blinded me and
i can still hear them talking, joking amongst each other,

“Hello,” someone said. “Now count backwards…”

where from?? where are you?

i think i said no.

i could not escape time; i could not abscond
SSSscHWWWWW.. The oxygen mask–

it was the breath of a devil i could not think of a word; i could not think for myself

in seconds i lost years of my life or did it leave me? my memory my mind my morality

lost within weeks after then three days. lost;

i was lost and in three days i found my house

and little did i know i would find myself insane

and here i am

alive?

wtf are you crazy. am i ? i am not insane Nor am i through! i am not going to scare

my Self by thinking out loud and loud is the voice; im told i talk too much but if you
cant understand what its like to be In Vain you will never know her freedom.

this is me, the vein of my story– my story of me; and things i cant quite remember.

things i wish i didnt know at all. yes i do.

and i know what it means now and i know i am a story i am a day i am a life
i am breathing i am awake and i am writing this down i am doing this now
because i know i’ll forget. and i will write what i cant remember and i will
write what i see and write what i know and i know i am me. i will write ’till
im dry or until i am finished. no one ever denied me the right to suffer …

and by suffering my life is saved like Dust in a molded blanket. i am a product of life;
i am the dust from a day: i am 19th October way back when love meant nothing and
9 months later — and again– all of my years later;

i understand why you werent ready
for me. i dare tell you i am

 

bad breeding.

 

 

and you can laugh because
i know it isnt funny